Whats a dogs favorite homework assignment? We may earn commission from links on this page, but we only recommend products we back. Tough times never last but tough people do. Robert H. Schiuller, 63. Save my name, email, and website in this browser for the next time I comment. Don't act like I'm a character in your reality show. 83.86 % / 41 votes. Tech Blog I used up all my sick leave, so I called in dead. Anonymous, 3. The pine tar, the resin, the grass, the dirt. Never mind, I shouldnt spread it. (Best Life), 5) Bless me, Father, for I have sinned. 34. "Love is blind but marriage is a real eye-opener. 48. Three guys walked into a bar. Fields, 12. Son, if you really want something in this life, you have to work for it. 20 Funny Father's Day Gifts 2023 - Best Gag Gifts for Dad The results of any quiz can be a gold mine for customized joke material that hits with your audience (a.k.a co-workers) because it was designed specifically for (and maybe even incorporates) your audience. Oprah Winfrey, 27. A cab. Relationships are a lot like algebra. "You can't have a million-dollar dream with a minimum-wage worth ethic. And guess what? Its a funny feeling to work with people who you consider your colleagues and to realize that they actually are young enough to be your children. Alan Alda, 33. Why arent dogs good dancers? Honestly, I dont play an active role in my life anymorethings just happen and Im like oh is this what were doing now? OK Unknown, 8. What did one DNA say to the other DNA? "So this is my life until I win the lottery. "Life is pleasant. Manage Settings Your email address will not be published. "Erma Bombeck, 81. The egomaniac holds the light bulb while the world revolves around him. 227 points. Shoutout to anyone wondering what the opposite of in is. "Phyllis Diller, 93. "Cathy Guisewite, 17. My friends keep pressuring me to go spelunking, so I finally caved. "People say, How you stay looking so young? I say, well, good lighting, good doctors, and good makeup." With quotes from famous comedians like Betty White, Joan Rivers, Lucille Ball, and Phyllis Diller, here are the best laugh-out-loud quotes to enjoy anytime you need a laugh. "Instant gratification takes too long. I want to receive exclusive email updates from YourDictionary. 1) A bank is a place that will lend you money if you can prove that you dont need it. (Bob Hope), 2) Did you hear about the person that died while opening a window? A new wine has been made for cats. 60 British insults for getting your message across 04/19/2023; 15 witty quotes by Joan Rivers to . "I've had great success being a total idiot. Two guys walk into a bar; the third one ducks. SnackNation is a healthy office snack delivery service that makes healthy snacking fun, life more productive, and workplaces awesome. I refused to believe my roadworker father was stealing from his job, but when I got home, all the signs were there. "Oscar Wilde, 60. The consent submitted will only be used for data processing originating from this website. The best funny one-liners Shutterstock "Going to church doesn't make you a Christian any more than standing in a garage makes you a car." "It's never a good idea to keep both feet firmly on the ground. by Team Scary Mommy. Helps people understand one another via insight or perspective on the current social environment. Funerals serve an important purpose for attendees. Sign up to receive the latest and greatest articles from our site automatically each week (give or take)right to your inbox. The kind of life motivation I need. Here are 21 witty one-liners guaranteed to make you smile. Duct tape is silver. - Anonymous, The secret of life is honesty and fair dealing. Dive into the categories below and make sure to add more of your own in the comments below. 98. I always wanted to be somebody, but now I realize I should have been more specific. Lily Tomlin, 50. My foot. In other parts of the world a fact." ~ Marlene Dietrich. 33. If at first you dont succeed, try management. Anonymous, 21. They get out of difficult situations very quickly. Accomplishing the impossible means only that the boss will add it to your regular duties. Doug Larson, 19. 40 One-Liner Jokes That'll Crack Up Your Friends Best Life Do these genes make me look fat?. Nobody gets out alive anyway. So sit back, relax and get ready for some work-related chuckles. - Steven Wright. Add your one liner to our site and see how good it is. Whos there? The first few lines of a speech are like little teasers. How many telemarketers does it take to change a light bulb? How does the man in the moon get his hair cut? We have rounded up the best collection of clever quotes, sayings, captions, and status, (with images and pictures) to inspire you to deal with real-life situations intelligently. When my toothpaste dropped to the ground, I was crestfallen. Up until then, you are just doing research." - Carl Gustav Jung 5. "Jerry Lewis, 67. Leaders who dont listen will eventually be surrounded by people who have nothing to say. Andy Stanley, 26. My favorite time on the clock is 6:30, hands down. Life is too short to be serious all the time. Eclipse it. 8. While humor is no science, some experts, including comedians and scientists, have isolated characteristics that consistently make jokes funny. Adam & Eve were the first ones to ignore the Apple terms and conditions. Contact Us Plays on what makes a group similar and inspires feelings of group cohesion. Jerry Seinfeld, 87. Theyre about to announce the lottery numbers. Homer Simpson, The Simpsons, 7. '"Groucho Marx, 31. A receding hare line. These Are the Funniest One-Liners Known To Man, So Get Ready - BroBible Let us know in the comment section below. I am a professional, but I have a lot of Nutrasweet in my system and I dont have a good short-term memory., 3) I have, you know, a lot of things I want to discuss with you and I dont even remember what they are. "Sir Norman Wisdom, 50. Want to become a better professional in just 5 minutes? Who wants to know? "Mark Twain, 69. If you're around someone who sucks all the air out of the room, go to another room. I did an original sin. I was so surprised when the stationery store moved. If you would like to change your settings or withdraw consent at any time, the link to do so is in our privacy policy accessible from our home page.. 34. "Lucille Ball, 42. ", Q: What do you call a dinosaur that smashes everything in its path? The nature of life is to change. William Arthur Ward, 14. "The best way to appreciate your job is to imagine yourself without one." My son told me he didn't understand cloning and I told him, "That makes two of us.". 70 Resentment Quotes To Let Go Your Bitter Feelings, 120 Good Morning Quotes, Wishes, Messages & Images. Alabama. Executive ability is deciding quickly and getting somebody else to do the work. Earl Nightingale, 25. I got caught taking a pee in the local swimming pool. Nope. 62. There is no more mind-numbing, boring, idiotic, self-destructive diversion from the fun of living. It gets toad away. 10 Funniest Funeral Quotes for a Eulogy or Speech | Cake Blog 93. 4. "Bill Watterson, 10. Willie was a Chemist, But Willie is no more, What Willie thought was H20 Was H2SO4. Whats Irish and stays out all night? We'll see how that works out for you. You'd think one of them would have seen it. Dream as if youll live forever, live as if youll die today. James Dean, 74. Funny Quotes About Life Woman's Day/Getty Images 1. 81. I threw a boomerang a few years ago. Their first daughter was born with a silver spoon in her mouth. Unique Gifts For Employees Because he was stuffed. I poked a badger with a spoon. (Eddie Izzard), 6) You ever get a handwritten letter in the mail today? 94. Do you have a clever quote you would like to share? I was addicted to soap, but I'm clean now. "Paula Poundstone, 85. Do I really have to tell Rita from accounting how its going? If quitters never win, and winners never cheat, then who is the fool who said Quit while youre ahead? -David Letterman, If I glance over, its not because I dont care, its because I can't remember anything. Continue with Recommended Cookies. Question:What do you call a fish with no eye?Answer: FSH. For even more humorous remarks, check out these funny fortune cookie sayings. 84. A gummy bear. I now live in constant fear. "I'm not crazy I've just been in a very bad mood for 40 years." I always arrive late at the office, but I make up for it by leaving early. Charles Lamb, 9. "If you can't be kind, at least be vague. One-Liners: Our Collection of the Best One-Liners - Reader's Digest Shirley MacLaine, 57. 'Never take life seriously, no one gets out alive' is an oft-heard and good one-liner that inspires people to be positive about life and makes you laugh. Copyright Entertainism & Buzzle.com, Inc. How many paranoid people does it take to change a light bulb? Starting with an icebreaker joke partnered with an activity can help the group share an experience that helps people relax and focus on the task at hand. 35. 27. Do not underestimate your abilities. They laughed at me. (Upjoke), 7) What should you do at a Halloween party if a zombie rolls their eyes at you? It wont be long before they start sending regrettable texts and waking up with headaches. Pro-tip #2: Not comfortable making jokes? 61. These humorous quotes are sure an answer to all stupidity you face day in and out. Polite tennis players give each other backhanded compliments. I used to believe that all things must passuntil I got stuck behind a school bus. -, "Life is like a cobweb, not an organization chart." 39. Lucie Turkel is a lifestyle and culture writer covering the latest in holidays, books, movies and television, and e-commerce for RD.com. 136 work jokes that are actually funny and easy to deliver. ", "Most men prefer looks to brains, because most men see better than they think. "Money can't buy you happiness, but it can buy you a yacht big enough to pull up right alongside it. If I tell you I want to be a door-to-door salesman, dont knock it. Jarod Kintz, 46. the cat who ate a ball of yarn? These 101 funny quotes from comedians, movies, authors, and TV look at the hilarious side of life. Next, check out these bar jokes that are hilariously funny. Telling .css-dv4kb7{-webkit-text-decoration:underline;text-decoration:underline;text-decoration-thickness:0.0625rem;text-decoration-color:brandColorSecondary;text-underline-offset:0.25rem;color:inherit;-webkit-transition:all 0.3s ease-in-out;transition:all 0.3s ease-in-out;}.css-dv4kb7:hover{color:#683d85;text-decoration-color:border-link-body-hover;}corny jokes or watching feel-good comedies is a sure-fire way to add levity to your day, but if you need a quick fix, then we've got tons of funny quotes that are guaranteed to ease the tension and create a little pocket of joy amid life's stresses. "Never miss a good chance to shut up. Self care and ideas to help you live a healthier, happier life. "The optimist proclaims that we live in the best of all possible worlds, and the pessimist fears this is true." I organized a threesome last night. Sometimes I even add it to the food." A nurse finds a rectal thermometer in her pocket and thinks. 61. If I cared, I would have listened the first time. "Follow your passion, stay true to yourself, never follow someone else's path unless you're in the woods and you're lost and you see a path then by all means you should follow that." Best Employee Engagement Software Platforms For High Performing Teams [HR Approved] I always give 100% at work: 10% Monday, 23% Tuesday, 40% Wednesday, 22% Thursday and 5% Friday. Anonymous, 35. Frightfully funny . 83.86 % / 41 votes. These funny quotes about life provide inspiration and entertainment, along with ways to express your experiences. We provide a monthly, curated selection of healthy snacks from the hottest, most innovative natural food brands in the industry, giving our members a hassle-free experience and delivering joy to their offices. Sayings. It is mandatory to procure user consent prior to running these cookies on your website. Never take life seriously. "Don't take life so seriously, you will not get out alive." - Elbert Hubbard 3. 95 Entrepreneur Quotes For Business Motivation & Success! What do you call Santas helpers? If you disable this cookie, we will not be able to save your preferences. In fact, it may not hurt to chuckle a bit yourself. There were a couple of no-shows, but I still had fun. Funny work quotes can be the antidote to even the strongest workday blues. 49. What do you call a blonde with half a brain? Was I born in a nest or a hive?. People say nothing is impossible, but I do nothing every day! A.A. If an anonymous comment goes unread, is it still irritating? Grab . But I want the ones with truffle and peanut butter. My friends keep pressuring me to go spelunking, so I finally caved. 55. 21. What did one DNA say to the other DNA? .the best teachers educate young people for life, not school. Ira Socol, 51. I love deadlines. 45. There are days one should really just sleep through. 13. Life is like homemade ice cream: sweet and seasonal. 1. Now that I have children, I understand the scene in Return of the Jedi where Yoda is so tired of answering Lukes questions, he just up and dies., People Also Ask These Questions About Icebreaker Jokes, Why do they call it rush hour when nothing moves? Oscar Wilde, 92. Joan Rivers, 94. Follow her on Instagram for cute pics of her pup and bb. Necessary cookies are absolutely essential for the website to function properly. "When something goes wrong in your life, just say 'PLOT TWIST' and move on.". Get Your Free Icebreaker Questions Bundle. I am Ananya, a professional speaker and I love motivating people and inspiring them to pursue their dreams. Time decides who you meet in life, your heart decides who you want in your life, and your behaviour decides who stays in your life. Unknown, 26. A dirty double-crosser. An example of data being processed may be a unique identifier stored in a cookie. "Mindy Kaling, 2. We've created informative articles that you can come back to again and again when you have questions or want to learn more! 19. Its not stroganoff. 6789 Quail Hill Pkwy, Suite 211 Irvine CA 92603, "I wondered why the baseball was getting bigger. Because seven eight nine. Love the life you live. The desire to live a purposeful life, I truly believe, resides in all humans. Paulo Braga, 22. An expert is a man who has made all the mistakes which can be made in a very narrow field. Niels Bohr, 16. Experienced interviewers and presenters have learned that rapport can make a potentially average interaction fruitful. And I also know that I'm not blonde." Artificial intelligence is no match for natural stupidity Unknown, 52. Your email address will not be published. "Judith Martin, 62. How can you tell youre getting old? Give a man a fish, and he will eat for a day. Save my name, email, and website in this browser for the next time I comment. Well, neither does bathing. 56. All they said was, Bach, Bach, Bach, 24. Its Monday morning, and the incessant trill of your alarm has woken you from a pretty great dream. I'm great at multitasking. "I'm not offended by blonde jokes because I know I'm not dumb. Did you hear about the statistician who drowned while crossing a river? Some other work-safe jokes include dad jokes, puns, and a myriad of other clean and not-always-cheesy jokes that dont leverage taboos or inappropriate subjects. Missile toe. -Robin Williams. "Will Rogers, 66. My father is allergic to cotton. 13) Worrying works! 14. "It's never too late to have a happy childhood.". Company Swag Ideas Employees Really Want I entered 10 puns in a pun contest, hoping one would win, but no pun in ten did. 70: When I told the doctor about my loss of memory, he made me pay in advance. Because they have two left feet. Charlie Brown, 8. A woman will pay one dollar for a two dollar item she doesnt want. ~ William Binger, The male is a domestic animal who, if treated with firmness and kindness, can be trained to do most things. ~ Jilly Cooper, Behind every great man, there is a surprised woman. ~ Maryon Pearson, Behind every successful man is an exhausted woman., I like two kinds of men: domestic and imported. ~ Mae West, My husband and I divorced over religious differences. Tags: 1 line dad jokes 1 line puns 1 liner joke of the day 1 liner jokes 1 liners 10 best one liners 100 best one liners 100 funny quotes and one liners 1000 short funny jokes 101 best one liners 1950's one liners 2 line funny jokes in english 2 line jokes 2019 one liners 2020 one liners 21 one liner jokes 30 great one liners 5 one liners 52 of . $330 at NET-A-PORTER. Thats okay. the claustrophobic astronaut? Dont be a fool. 22. Grief is an isolating emotion, but funerals give people the opportunity to connect and support each other. These funny clever words, thoughts, one-liners, by great authors, leaders, actors, personalities, etc will make you think about life, success, money, love and more. 53. Wanting to be someone else, is a waste of who you are. Kurt Cobain, 16. My mother was so surprised when I told her I was born again. This is my stepladder. If you have to go around telling people how awesome you are, there's a pretty good chance that you're the only one who actually thinks so. Model that is, live the behavior you want others to practice. Mario Morino, 58. Among the things that are so simple even a child can operate them are parents. All the flowers of all the tomorrows are in the seeds of today and yesterday. Drink two of them and youll forget what your Namath. 85. 97. Life is not a problem to be solved, but a reality to be experienced. Soren Kierkegaard, 24. Logic is the art of going wrong with confidence. Morris Kline, 59. 2. document.getElementById( "ak_js_1" ).setAttribute( "value", ( new Date() ).getTime() ); SnackNation If reading funny books, funny poems and funny limericks doesnt raise your spirit, check out these funny boss quotes to brighten your day instead. He was given a ticket for making a ewe turn. "A woman is like a tea bag: You can't tell how strong she is until you put her in hot water." 50 Best Funny Movie Quotes - Parade Anybody with you? Ayatollah who? 90 Anger Quotes To Help You Control Your Temper. "All the things I like to do are either immoral, illegal, or fattening. If you take $2 out of an ATM that has a $2.50 fee, do you owe the machine money? Some men say they dont wear their wedding band because it cuts off circulation. "I'm killing time while I wait for life to shower me with meaning and happiness. Be the life of the office and add to the company culture. "Sometimes you lie in bed at night and you don't have a single thing to worry about. Theres an enormous number of managers who have retired on the job. Peter Drucker, 18. "Lots of people want to ride with you in the limo, but what you want is someone who will take the bus with you when the limo breaks down." 145+ One-Liner Jokes As Punny As They Are Funny - Scary Mommy Clever people are smart, witty, and intelligent. No one wants to help mom do the dishes."P.J. 68. Clairee Belcher, Steel Magnolias, 25. Its part of an anti-litter campaign. How many flies does it take to screw in a light bulb? I wanted to make a joke about leeches, but it sucked. We hope you enjoy this website. I love my furniture. Unless you're a banana. Nobel who? "Behind every great man is a woman rolling her eyes. Dont stay in bed unless you can make money in bed. George Burns, 48. You can even source a complete bank of surprising and hilarious facts about your teammates using Water Cooler Trivia. Bad girls don't have the time." One. Michael Scott, The Office, 90. The coach replied, "You're standing too close to the ball after you've hit it.". I wanna be 14 again and ruin my life differently, I have new ideas. Unknown, 4. 1) By the time a man is wise enough to watch his step, hes too old to go anywhere. (Billy Crystal), 2) I have a piece of paper, dont mind me. Sharing quotes, proverbs, and sayings of great authors to touch people's lives to make it better. My IQ test results came back. Sometimes, the best part of my job is that the chair swivels. Anonymous, 47. eraser_dust: "Letting go of a loved one can be hard, but sometimes, it's the only way to survive a rock climbing catastrophe.". Online Accessibility Statement, Pricing Phyllis Diller, 82. What do you call a chicken who crosses the road, rolls in the mud, and then crosses back again? Life truly is what we make it, so if we have a choice, why not make it fun. Alesandra has a masters degree in journalism with an emphasis on cultural reporting and criticism from NYU, and a bachelors degree from UC Berkeley. Not saying I live in a rough area but just bought an advent calendar and half the windows are boarded up!
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